In Dreams.

When I was a kid I was a very vivid dreamer. I used to dream all the time, pretty much every night. They were always so life like and real, like watching a movie but better. For the most part my dreams were just fun little adventures that I took that made the night always so enjoyable to come back to. On occasion I would have nightmares, but nothing to terrifying. Then around the age of 6 I think, I started to have these dreams with this little girl. If I had to guess what age she was I would say she was around five or six. Which at the time made complete sense because that is how old I was. For a while she would just be in the background of my dreams, not really playing a prominent role or anything. Then she started to appear more and more often, until one night I remember her actually talking to me.

Now you have to remember that because I was only a kid this was not that big of a deal to me. It didn't seem creepy or strange in the least, so I started to look forward to seeing her when I went to bed. My mom and Larry(My step dad), decided not to have any children so I kindly referred to her as my nighttime sister. Her name was Sydney, now I don't know if she told me that her name was Sydney or if I just made it up. Either way though, that is what I called her and she didn't ever seem to mind. We would do all sorts of things together like go to the park or the lake. Sometimes we would even go on vacations together. She was in a sense, my best friend at the time. Which I know sounds very strange but it was kind of true. She was always there when I needed her and no matter how bad my day was, she was always there to comfort me.

That was until one night when I was about eight and a half years old that I had a dream that pretty much changed my life forever. I won't go into great detail, but it involved me finding Sydney dead in my parents house. I don't go into great detail because for years after that I was so heavily influenced to forget about it that it is actually hard for me to remember exactly what happened. What I do remember is what her lifeless body looked like lying on that bed. I still think about it all quite often and when I do, it still makes me sad. For years I no longer dreamed anymore, or at least I could never remember them. That was until about eight months ago when I had my first dream in fourteen years. It wasn't anything important or anything but that next morning I was almost confused when I woke up. It had been so long that I had forgotten what it felt like to remember something outside of your normal life.

Ever since that night I have been dreaming in full force again, just like when I was a child. I decided against telling my mom and step dad because even though I am twenty three, I still feel like they would try to get me help. They always made me take medication to keep me numb just so I wouldn't have anymore 'incidents' as they called them. This way I can still dream in peace and hopefully one day see Sydney again. Man, that doesn't sound any less crazy when I write about does it? Either way though, I am happy that they are back and I once again look forward to going to sleep. Still, it is sort of weird that I started up again. I mean, I stopped taking the medicine when I was eighteen. Why now? I'm sure there is nothing to look into about this, but being the anal retentive person that I am, I'm sure I will ponder this thought for far too long in the near future. Anyways, until then, Sweet Dreams.

Fun Saturday.

Reagan came over today and was as usual disappointed to see me still watching my film's. She has always been great about my stupid quirks and obsessions, but I could tell she was genuinely annoyed today. So instead of trying to convince her to hang with me while I sifted through more film, I decided to call it quits for a day and go out with her. It was a pretty nice day out actually so we decided to head on over to the cider mill for our annual visit. We were beginning to think that we were not going to make it this year, but as usual things seemed to work out just fine.

We bought a half gallon of apple cider and twelve fresh made doughnuts(6 powdered and 6 plain naturally). We also picked some apples from the orchard, which will most likely be made into some sort of baked good this holiday season. After that we went back to my house and watched television for a while before she went home. Overall it was a pretty good day. Though I will admit, as soon as Reagan left, I went straight back to watching old films again. I just can't stop thinking about that damn cabin and my dad. My mom has pretended that our conversation never took place, but it still has intrigued me more then pretty much anything has in a while. I know that there has to be a reason why I know that place. Maybe I did go there as a child and she just doesn't remember it. Or maybe there is some old film from that weekend. Either way, I know I am not going to stop looking for it until I find something about it. I need to at the very least find out where this place is. Anyways, it's getting late and I'm truly am tired. I'll write back soon.

Lost and found?

I finally found that other box of films that I was looking for. I still have not found anything from that cabin though. I asked my mom about it and she told me that she wasn't sure what cabin I was talking about. It was kind of hard for me to explain it because there really isn't too much that I remember about it. I'm pretty sure I was never there and I now kind of doubt the fact that I have ever even seen any film on it. The only specific thing I can remember about the cabin was an old tree stump out by the fire pit and a picture of a lake with trees surrounding it. I remember the trees because it must have been taken in the fall because the leaves were all red and orange colored. The stump was strange as well, because it didn't look like a regular tree stump. What I mean is that the coloring on it looked as if it were painted.

When I mentioned the stump to my mom, this pale look came over her face that conveyed more to me than any story ever could have. From that moment I knew exactly what cabin I was describing. I knew exactly what week I was describing. I especially knew why I could not find any film or pictures from that weekend either. The only thing that I couldn't figure out is why I remember it so well, since as far as I know, I've never been there. Needless to say, that was pretty much the end of that conversation and I really haven't said much to her since then. I'm sure she will be fine since to this day that weekend is a touchy subject. I totally understand why, but since that is where he died at, I guess I've just always wanted to hear more about it.

Anyways, I suppose I should probably go through this other box of film's that I found. I mean, maybe she was wrong. Maybe there is some film from that weekend that she just forgot about. Anything is possible I suppose. Catch you later.

Looking around.

I was looking through a bunch of stuff in my mom's garage the other day and I came across a box of old 8mm films. I remembered watching these films as a kid. I always loved seeing old family members before I was born. I especially loved getting to see my dad. I still look at pictures of him quite often but it had been a while since I had seen the films so I decided to break out the projector and watch them. It is basically just old vacations and birthday parties, but it is still fun to watch. I still have quite a few more reels to go through and I am thinking that there might still be another box around somewhere with some more reels in it. I seem to remember seeing some old films of a vacation at a cottage when I was a kid that I have yet to find. Naturally I could be remembering wrong but I'm pretty sure that I'm not. Anyways, I still have a bunch of reels to go through and I'm kind of wasting time right now not doing anything about it. I'll write back reel soon. Get it.

Chapter One

Mark sat there in front of the switch board, waiting for someone to tell him what to do. It wasn't that he did not know what to do, it was just that it was customary for the technical director to wait for the director to give him an order. He sat there staring at the monitor in front of him, wishing the floor director would give the talent something to do. Mark did this for another 30 seconds before he could hear the floor director tell the talent that they would be starting in one minute. This meant that Mark was to fade to black and get ready for the opening of the show.

This production, though the last of the year for Mark was far from a nerve racking experience. Mark was a senior in high school and this just so happened to be the final production of his high school career. He had already been doing these productions on a weekly basis for the better part of the last three years, so this one was no different from the rest. The director of the program was his best friend and classmate, his name was Russell, but nobody who knew him ever called him that. Everyone who knew him in the least bit called him Dusty, a nickname that Mark gave him the first day of their meeting.

This day was of course year's ago when these two first met in elementary school. Mark had misunderstood Russ on the first day of first grade and it stuck. The reason for Mark's mishearing was something that has been of a constant annoyance to Mark since he was a toddler. As a baby and a small child, Mark was on the receiving end of a bad string of ear infections. This string of ear infections lasted from the time he was 6 months old until he was a little over the age of two. These ear infections left a great deal of scar tissue on and around his ear drums, which inevitably lead to him having a substantial amount of hearing loss.

Though it was something that had been with him since he could remember, it was not so debilitating that he was not able to overcome it. In fact, he had always looked at it as a gift of sorts, because he was the only one who was able to hear the world from this certain point of view. Throughout his childhood he had always heard different things or as is father often told him, "You might have hearing loss, but I am certain that you only hear what you want to hear". This may have been true but it did lead him to make up all sorts of different words, to which him and his friends still used to this day. His friend's name Dusty was a confirmation of this.

"Alright Mark, fade up on two", said Dusty to Mark as the program had finally started.
The program that they had been waiting on was an awards show for their video production class called the "Rooney Awards". They are named after their teacher, John Rooney, who is a favorite of Dusty and Mark. The awards are for the students who are enrolled in the video production class. They are voted on by the students of the class and are based on the projects that have been produced throughout the school year.

To the surprise of almost nobody, Mark and Dusty's projects were thought to win in almost every category that they had been nominated. They were the head of the class and they knew it. They are not so much arrogant about this as they are just very confidant in everything they do. Their confidence was not a born behavior but a learned one. Over the past couple of years the pair of them had produced the top projects in their class. This had lead to them becoming accustomed to hearing the praises of their fellow classmates, which were told of them very often.

"Take 3 and then bring up the CG", said Dusty to Mark and to the CG operator Karen, who was a friend of Mark's. The program went on for about five minutes before the first award was handed out. It did not go to either Mark or Dusty, only because they had not been up for the award. The following award also did not go to them, but that was pretty much the last time during the program that they had left empty handed.

In fact, they won the final seven of the last nine awards, including the final three for best script, best film and a lifetime achievement award for Mark. They of course gladly accepted their awards from their classmates, who did not have even show the least bit of resentment towards them. This was most likely attributed to their attitude towards their classmates, than to their quality of work. Which though it wasn't bad, it also wasn't "The Godfather" either. They produced stupid comedies that for some reason everybody seemed to think were hilarious. This of course worked out well for them, as they were used to acting like idiots in front of large groups of people anyways.

"A lifetime achievement award at 18, not bad eh", said Mark to Dusty as they were finishing up the production.
"Yeah, it's so awesome that we won these awards. I mean, I know they don't actually mean anything, but it is still pretty sweet", Dusty said as he was labeling the tape of which they had just shot the production on.
"No, I know what you mean. I wish they could have given you a lifetime achievement award too though. I mean, you did just as work as I did."
"Yeah, but you were here last year as well. I mean you won the best film award both years you were here and I wasn't here for that one. It made sense really."
"Yeah, your right. Man I really am better than you(Laughs)."
"Eat duck B", Dusty said as Karen looked at the two of them. "You guys are retard's. Plus that award belongs to me too you know."
"That is true, that last movie was a group effort and by group effort I mean Dusty and I did everything", Mark said with a laugh, though there was truth in his voice as he said it. Karen gave him a look and then shrugged her shoulders as if to say that he was right. She then walked out of the control room and said goodbye.

Mark once again looked at his awards and thought to himself how cool it was that they had won them. He instantly thought to himself that if he could do this well in High School, he could not wait to see what he could do once he got out. Mark stood up from his chair and turned the system off while Dusty was putting the tape in a cabinet, to which all of their production tapes had always gone. Mark was standing at the production room door when he asked Dusty if he was ready to go. He told him yes and as they both exited the room, Dusty turned the light off for maybe the final time of their high school career.

My blog has become a Baby Gap!

Do I have such severe commitment issues as to say that I cannot even keep a blog going correctly. This is quite pathetic really. What I want to do is just start posting random ideas on this blog, some true, some not true and maybe try to create well, really anything at this point. I can't promise a single thing but the least I can do it try to turn this blog into something that is not completely sad, like a baby gap.

Work and The Golden Compass!

So I've been working a lot lately, which is why I have not posted in a while. I am very happy about this but my plan was to show you cool pictures of Chicago and talk about how The Golden Compass is like the best movie ever(well not really, but it is really good). Though for right now, I will be happy with my lack of time. I will post soon though. Oh yeah, go see The Golden Compass. Between the crazy Christians and the so-so reviews, the movie is not making any money, which is terrible because if it bombs they won't make the other books. Anyways, go see it and if you hate it, sorry.

Someone read my blog.

So I kind of forgot that this thing was actually on the internet for anyone to read. I was taking it for granted that nobody knew about this thing so I kind of would just say exactly what was on my mind while I was writing. It is probably good to have a editing feature in your brain, but mine is basically always turned off. So now that this thing is huge, I am going to have to live up to the responsibility that comes with this power. I am so nervous I could spit blood. If someone is actually still reading this post, please except my apologizes. I'm going up north tomorrow, which is pretty sweet because even though I come back on Sunday, I am leaving again on Wednesday to go visit my Aunt in Illinois for Thanksgiving. I should go to sleep, now I'm just writing for the sake of writing. O.K, good night.

Boo Hoo ya cry baby!

I am so whiny it is embarrassing. I will try harder next time not to fill the internet with garbage like my last post.

I'm not asking for life to be easy.

Today should have been a good day and it was until about nine o'clock tonight. The idea was to wake up fairly early, you know like 9am, and go get a coffee and wait in line to go vote. I was looking forward to this very much until my phone woke me up. Given it was already like 9:30am, but I didn't have to be anywhere until 2:30pm, so I just figured "what's the rush". The phone call was from my boss telling me that he needed me to come into the office at 11am because they just got a deposition call in and it was for today at 1pm. First off, this was not a bad thing. I have been begging for hours for weeks now, so this was a blessing. I got everything together really quick and then I made my way over there. I went to the deposition and was looking at a very good day. As long as this dep. ended by 3:15pm, I would still be able to make my second dep. and make some good money today. Well, that didn't happen because the dep. didn't end until after 4pm.

This was a bummer because I missed out on two or three more hours of work, which is what I want. So I finished up my deposition, which was not easy due to technical difficulties, but I did it. I then called my boss to tell him how it went and before I could even tell him how the deposition went, he told me that they just got a brand new court case in and that they were going to let me do it all next week. He was excited, I was excited, it was just a good time. I must clarify first off, I have two bosses at my job. The one who I talked to this morning was boss number one and the boss I called after the deposition was boss number two. The happy conversation I had was with boss number two. He got me this case next week and all was good with him.

Here comes the problem. I told boss number two that tomorrow is a bad day for me. I have some important financial matters to attend to that I can no longer postpone. He was totally cool with that and told me that I should just take tomorrow off to take care of things. I said "thank you" and all was well with the world. Then at about nine o'clock tonight I get a call from boss number one. I miss his call but I quickly call him back. He is calling me to let me know that he got another deposition for me to do , which is great, but it is tomorrow. I then have the misfortune of telling him that I cannot do it. He works his butt off to get me work and just like that, I tell him I cannot do it. I apologized several times to him but he didn't really seem to care. He pretty much hung up the phone with a "You can't do it, O.K", no goodbye.

I feel terrible about the whole thing. I beg for work and then when they give it to me I turn it down. This is where I finally come to my point. I don't want life to be easy, I just want it to be doable. Positive thinking people are always saying that you have to take the bad with the good, from my experience it seems more like you are always taking the bad with the worse. I hope I have not caused any permanent damage with my boss, I really do like this job. I know I am being ultra dramatic here, but I really just don't want to start over again. It seems like it is all I ever do anymore.

I think I'm going to pretend I'm not me.

I used to be this really happy person until about one year ago. Since then, I have been this depressed whiny person who gets pissed about stupid things and treats others like garbage. I hate that I do this but it doesn't seem to be changing, no matter how hard I try. So today while I was crying on the floor in my shower, I decided that in order to get back to the old happy me, I would have to start pretending to be someone else. Now I have done this before, being in the witness protection program three seperate times does that to a person, but seriously, I need to make a change. So I have decided to embrace the inner-someone other than me, and go with a more happy outlook on life. I am hoping this will fix all of my problems, at least until tomorrow.

It was supposed to be funny.

When I started this blog a couple of months ago I suppose I was in a different place then I am today. When I say, "different place", I don't mean location(though I am living in a different place then I used to, but that is besides the point). What I mean by it, is I am in a different place in my life than I was four months ago. Back then I was planning on writing a blog that was supposed to be nonsensical and fun. Instead I have turned it into a personnel journal of sorts, which if anything is just desperate and sad. I can say these things because I don't know a single person who reads my blog, which at this point in time is a good thing. I guess what I am trying to say is that I didn't mean for this blog to be some serious story of my life, it was supposed to be funny. Instead, four months later it is an unfocused diary of sorts. Somewhere for me to bitch about my life and offer nothing funny or insightful to the world. Maybe I am being dramatic(I think maybe is probably out of the question at this point), but I just wish I would have done it differently. Or hell, maybe I'm wrong and this is all a blog is supposed to be anyway. Either way, it's a bummer that it turned out this way. This entry has been rather pointless and sad, for that I am sorry. Not that I am apologizing to anyone other than myself.

It's a Celebration!

So today was a very good day. I am finishing off my second week at my brand new job, which I happen to love. I now work for a video production company that does electronic and exhibit work for law firms. This means that I spend all day in court, doing cool stuff like watching court cases and reading books. The reason it is a Celebration is because yesterday was a good day as well. To some people this may not be grounds for a celebration but since I can't actually remember the last time I had two good days in a row, I am celebrating. Which is also odd because I am by myself celebrating, but sometimes I think those are the best kinds of celebrations. Because if you can be happy with yourself, than you are pretty much at peace with the world.

Cubs are going to the Playoffs baby!

So the Tigers just missed the playoffs this week. It was not really a surprise, the injuries they had this season were just too much to overcome. Still, a very good season from the boys nonetheless. The good news is that my other team has made the playoffs. The Chicago Cubs finished in last place in 2006 and in 2007 they will not be spending their days and nights at home. I have been a die hard Cubs fan just as long as I have been a Tigers fan, so tonight is a good night. The beauty of growing up in Detroit is having WGN out of Chicago, because as a kid I watched just as many Cubs games, if not more, than I did Tigers games. I, like all Cubs fans are hoping they can break their 99 year drought this year, as I do not want to have them become the first team in sports history to go 100 years without a championship. For right now though, I am not going to dwell on the negative because tonight, all that matters is that the Chicago Cubs are going to the playoffs!

Why do I feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan?

So I can't help but feel sorry for Lindsay Lohan. Unlike Britney Spears and Paris Hilton, who I can't stand and wish they would just be put out of their/my misery, I feel sorry for Lindsay. I know she is just some dumb girl who can't stay out of trouble, but for some reason when I here about her run in's with the law, I actually feel bad for her. I don't know if it is because both of her parents are total rejects or if it is because she reminds me of someone that I know, but I truly feel sorry for her. This of course makes me feel and sound like a complete lunatic, but I really do hope that Ms. Lohan is able to straighten her life out. She is a very talented actress that I wish all the best of luck to. Actually, I think this means that my life is going well right now. I mean, why else would I be worried about some rich actress. Wow, I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit for writing this.

One more thing crossed off my list.

So I quit my job last Monday. I lasted only ten days, which is not quite as long as I was hoping for. I was kind of hoping for a starting point to a very long lasting career, but instead I lasted ten days. The job was basically my worst nightmare come true. I was a telemarketing sales person, which is basically like saying you have to go and scrub clean a shit covered bathroom everyday with a toothbrush and then brush your teeth with it later that night. Though, I think I would have rather cleaned up the shit then done what I was doing at that job. So now I am kind of back to where I was six weeks ago, except I know one more thing now than I did back then; I hate sales jobs worse than doing construction. Which is information that will come in handy for me, for the rest of my life. Because the only thing more important than knowing what you what to do for a living, is knowing exactly what you don't want to do. Which is good for me I suppose, but it still leads me back to the drawing board, though at least I have one more thing crossed off of my list.

Why is it that every beginning has to come with an ending?

So I have been roofing and siding for over a decade now. I have been doing one form of construction since I was sixteen years old and in three days I will be done with it. Now most twenty six year olds have not been doing one job for over a third of their lives, but I have. It is a strange feeling to me that I only have two more days left of getting up on a roof or setting up a ladder first thing in the morning. From now on I am going to have to fire up my computer instead of an air compressor. I am going to have to set up sales pitches instead of nail guns and most importantly I am going to be working with a bunch of strangers instead of some of my best friends in the world. I have finally taken that first step into a much larger world, I am just hoping that when I finally get there, I like it. So with that, I will bid my old job a bittersweet farewell and hope the new job welcomes me with open arms instead of a swift kick to the balls. In closing, I will just say this: Why is it that every beginning has to come with an ending?

A change is a comin'.

So that job that I was complaining about a couple of posts ago, you know the one that they said I was not right for; well I got it. I actually got a new job in Michigan. I know what your thinking; is that possible? I didn't know there was new jobs in Michigan. Well, there is and I have one. I start it July 9th, so I still have a couple of weeks to chill out and get ready for it. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a bit nervous about the whole thing. I have never had a full time desk job. I am now going to have to deal with office politics and working with women. It is going to be so strange but also very exciting at the same time. Now I'm not sure if this is the case, but I think with this job I might actually be a grown up now. Well, let's hope that I'm wrong on that one. The one thing that I know I am right on though is that a change is a comin'.

Amy Winehouse is pretty wonderful!

So I bought the Amy Winehouse album last week and I can't stop listening to it. She's got this got sultry voice that sounds like she was born in the wrong era. She reminds me a little bit of Stevie Wonder, except that she is female and as far as I know has sight. Anyways, I just thought I should share that with myself, since I'm pretty sure nobody is reading this. Which is of course fine by me.

A door is not closed, it is propted open.

So I was a bit of a whiner after my job interview the other day, I'll admit that. It was all, "I'm pathetic, I will never get a job", type of stuff all day long. It was sad and stupid, but hey, that is me. So that happened and that is that, right? Well, here's the thing. I was going to call them back on Friday, just to follow up to thank them for the experience that they gave me. I figured that anything I went through, was an experience that I did not have prior to the situation. So I called them back today to thank them for all that they put me through, but instead of just saying thank you, I told them that despite their decision, I thought that I could be an asset to their company. This obviously struck a chord with them because within a half hour(or was it an hour, I guess it does not matter), they called me back and said that they were still interested in me. They even said that they would call me back next week to follow up on the job.

This to me is kind of funny. I find it funny because unlike the other day when I was so full of confidence, today I had nothing to lose so it felt almost liberating to give them a call. I called them and told them exactly what was on my mind and it might have actually paid off. So that leaves me with something that a very close friend said to me in regards to the job. She said to me that, "Even though I was down, the situation was less a closed door and more like a door propted open". Which is why I even wrote about this today.

It is weird, sometimes when you think everything thing that you have worked hard for was worth nothing, you can be completely mistaken. It is the reason I have such close friends, they usually know what is good for me better than I do.