Someone read my blog.

So I kind of forgot that this thing was actually on the internet for anyone to read. I was taking it for granted that nobody knew about this thing so I kind of would just say exactly what was on my mind while I was writing. It is probably good to have a editing feature in your brain, but mine is basically always turned off. So now that this thing is huge, I am going to have to live up to the responsibility that comes with this power. I am so nervous I could spit blood. If someone is actually still reading this post, please except my apologizes. I'm going up north tomorrow, which is pretty sweet because even though I come back on Sunday, I am leaving again on Wednesday to go visit my Aunt in Illinois for Thanksgiving. I should go to sleep, now I'm just writing for the sake of writing. O.K, good night.

Boo Hoo ya cry baby!

I am so whiny it is embarrassing. I will try harder next time not to fill the internet with garbage like my last post.

I'm not asking for life to be easy.

Today should have been a good day and it was until about nine o'clock tonight. The idea was to wake up fairly early, you know like 9am, and go get a coffee and wait in line to go vote. I was looking forward to this very much until my phone woke me up. Given it was already like 9:30am, but I didn't have to be anywhere until 2:30pm, so I just figured "what's the rush". The phone call was from my boss telling me that he needed me to come into the office at 11am because they just got a deposition call in and it was for today at 1pm. First off, this was not a bad thing. I have been begging for hours for weeks now, so this was a blessing. I got everything together really quick and then I made my way over there. I went to the deposition and was looking at a very good day. As long as this dep. ended by 3:15pm, I would still be able to make my second dep. and make some good money today. Well, that didn't happen because the dep. didn't end until after 4pm.

This was a bummer because I missed out on two or three more hours of work, which is what I want. So I finished up my deposition, which was not easy due to technical difficulties, but I did it. I then called my boss to tell him how it went and before I could even tell him how the deposition went, he told me that they just got a brand new court case in and that they were going to let me do it all next week. He was excited, I was excited, it was just a good time. I must clarify first off, I have two bosses at my job. The one who I talked to this morning was boss number one and the boss I called after the deposition was boss number two. The happy conversation I had was with boss number two. He got me this case next week and all was good with him.

Here comes the problem. I told boss number two that tomorrow is a bad day for me. I have some important financial matters to attend to that I can no longer postpone. He was totally cool with that and told me that I should just take tomorrow off to take care of things. I said "thank you" and all was well with the world. Then at about nine o'clock tonight I get a call from boss number one. I miss his call but I quickly call him back. He is calling me to let me know that he got another deposition for me to do , which is great, but it is tomorrow. I then have the misfortune of telling him that I cannot do it. He works his butt off to get me work and just like that, I tell him I cannot do it. I apologized several times to him but he didn't really seem to care. He pretty much hung up the phone with a "You can't do it, O.K", no goodbye.

I feel terrible about the whole thing. I beg for work and then when they give it to me I turn it down. This is where I finally come to my point. I don't want life to be easy, I just want it to be doable. Positive thinking people are always saying that you have to take the bad with the good, from my experience it seems more like you are always taking the bad with the worse. I hope I have not caused any permanent damage with my boss, I really do like this job. I know I am being ultra dramatic here, but I really just don't want to start over again. It seems like it is all I ever do anymore.

I think I'm going to pretend I'm not me.

I used to be this really happy person until about one year ago. Since then, I have been this depressed whiny person who gets pissed about stupid things and treats others like garbage. I hate that I do this but it doesn't seem to be changing, no matter how hard I try. So today while I was crying on the floor in my shower, I decided that in order to get back to the old happy me, I would have to start pretending to be someone else. Now I have done this before, being in the witness protection program three seperate times does that to a person, but seriously, I need to make a change. So I have decided to embrace the inner-someone other than me, and go with a more happy outlook on life. I am hoping this will fix all of my problems, at least until tomorrow.